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MunkeeGamer
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Name: Luke
Country: United States
State: Ohio
Metro: Columbus
Birthday: 7/12/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: I'm a man driven to change the world. I'm a thinker and a hero. I'm a liberal communist bastard. I'm looking for the perfect girl, but I worry my standards are too high. Hopefully some brave girl will stand up to the challenge.
Expertise: I'm good at learning how to learn better, thinking about how to think faster, and trying to discover how to save the world from itself.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message me
AIM:  Munkeegamer
Member Since:
6/3/2004
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| I'm gonna stop calling the protagonist male you, and I'm going to instead start calling him Yu.
The darkness of sleep is everywhere. It's stretching back for as fas as you can remember and it's all you can imagine for the future. But most of all, the present is completely full of the darkness of a mind quieted by sleep. Every thought ends before it begins. If you could think, you would think it was the most restful place ever. But then, the darkness is penetrated by a thought. Fear. You have to get away from it before it catches up! But your legs are glued in place and there's nowhere to run. You try to scream, but there's no air to scream or even to fill your lungs. It's gaining on you in slow motion, but at the same time it's staying in the same place--right behind you.
The darkness is finally penetrated by a vision. Distorted faces with terrible looks on their face are floating from below and behind to above and in front. Their motion is categorically unstable as every time you turn to see what one looks like it dashes away from direct sight, only leaving ghastly trails of anticipation and fear. But despite all this, you still have to get away from it, it's so close behind you and your legs are so heavy! They just won't budge no matter how hard you struggle.
You hope and you pray for some salvation, something that can carry you away from this beast behind you that torments your fear. Kilu's voice comes suddenly from the sky as she calls out your name, "Yu?"
Your although your eyes were clinched shut to hide the faces from sight, you open them up and see the sky start to crack like glass. Lines of pure white draw themselves like lightning bolts across the air above you, when suddenly the whole scene just explodes away. The darkness falls down, and disappears but all you can see is the source of light. It's Kilu in the sky and she has at her sides two great wings made of feather and light. They're so big, you could swear they were reaching down and weighing heavy on your shoulders. And her hair too, it was so long and beautiful, you could feel it wisping through the air, tickling your nose and face. She says again, "Yu? Are you there?"
What does she mean? Of course you were there. "I'm standing right here! Hey, Kilu! Hey!!" you shout while trying to wave your arms. But your arms won't move, the weight of the wings is holding them down. Oh no, what if she can't see you? What if she thinks you broke your promise? "Kilu! I'm here!"
Suddenly, a wave of dark, deep blue rushes over the whole background and light from Kilu's wings. Her face turns to sadness as a tear falls from her cheek. It glitters intensely the whole way to the ground. It's all you can focus on, every detail as it falls. She then starts to turn away and her wings start to beat against the air. The wind currents rock you back and forth
No! how could this be, why is she leaving? Didn't she promise too? She said she didn't want to leave. What could you do to make her stay?
She finally finished turning around, leaving nothing in sight now but a grand pair of wings of light and her long flowing hair. The wind from her own wings begins to blow her hair around in your face even more. It's actually really starting to tickle but you can't lose focus, you have to get her attention. You couldn't bear the thought of losing her, not now. Your story together has only just begun, you need her to be with you, for the great adventure. "Kilu, you can't leave! You can't leave now because..." you pause and sneeze as the hair in your face gets to be too much. "...because..."
You open your eyes after sneezing and Kilu's face is no more than 6inches from yours. "I love you!" you shout. You blink a couple of times and look around, you're still on your back like when you went to sleep earlier. You're on the beach, you can feel the sand at your back, the familiar sound of the waves crashing fills your ears. The black sky is still full of stars. Kilu is leaning over you with her small hands on your shoulders and her soft hair resting on your face. She looks like she was about to say something, but all she does is blink a couple of times and let out a small whimper. Her eyes are wide with surprise, her lips are quivering, her cheeks quickly turn a rosy red color.
Your eyes lock onto hers as you realize what was going on. She was shaking your shoulders to try and wake you, to save you from the terrible dream. You smile big. You don't care that she knows how you feel. Your just glad she isn't leaving. With her face so close, you start to realize something you didn't care about before. Kilu is really cute.
Without thinking, your hand is suddenly behind her head, your fingers burying themselves under her hair. You can't help but still be fascinated by how soft her hair is. Compared to your scraggly hair, it's like silk. She lets out another whimper and you just can't resist anymore. You bend your body up, bringing your face to Kilu's and use your hand to bring her face a bit closer to yours.
You close your eyes and reach forward that final inch. You ever so lightly touch your lips to hers. Kilu takes a quick breath through her nose in excitement. You pull back just slightly but your lips are quickly rejoined as she takes the lead, pushing you to the ground. You stay together like this for a couple minutes, running your fingers through her hair the whole time.
She rolls over, back to where she was sleeping before and stares into your eyes for a moment. "Thanks for saving me earlier, from the bad dream," you say. She smiles and her eyes slowly close.
Maybe nightmares aren't so bad? At least not all the time. | | |
| I decided to write something too, so I could be more like Derek. 
It was another perfect day on the island called Utopia. The sun was shining high and bright, hanging on the pale blue sky. There's a light salty breeze blowing off the water and you could've sworn the cool ocean was reaching up through the air and kissing your sun baked skin to provide some comfort. The palm leaves swayed and danced to the silent song of the wind. The blue waves crashed into white and bubbled quietly away as the reach repeatedly to get closer to land, closer to Utopia, closer to you.
You took a run along the beach, carrying all your worries in an empty bag to your side. When the sweat started pouring down your face and back, you decided to jump into those waves, letting them finally grab onto one of the Citizens of Perfection. The water quickly got to work, because it is a loyal servant of the Citizens, it brought wave after wave of refreshing coolness. It noticed you looked a little bored so it even started to wrestle and jostle you around. You surfaced from under the water after your little scuffle and looked back to land with a smile on your face.
The waves were still working the beach, but what caught your eye was a mysterious looking rock alcove right at the tree line, where the palm leaves were still dancing. You'd never seen the alcove before because Utopia never failed to satisfy the infinite curiosity of it's people. With a quick jog you approached the entrance of the little cave full of darkness, your eyes just couldn't adjust with the bright sun so high in the sky. With a bit of apprehension and wonting for a plan you decided to investigate anyway. (Satisfying curiosity is just as important as eating or playing for the Citizens of Perfection.) You pushed through the veil and found yourself surrounded by Nothing.
Blindly, you reached forward to find something to touch or feel or sense. But you couldn't because there was Nothing. You turn back behind you and the doorway full of light was still there. The Nothing was interesting at first, but it was awfully boring upon further investigation, at least compared to the rest of Utopia. So with a hop, skip, and a jump you returned to the splendor that is Perfection.
It was hard to see once you left the Alcove, but you still saw the silhouette of a girl in front of you. You'd never seen this girl before, but there was no fear of rejection, no need to impress-- You see, on the island of Utopia everyone looks a little different but is mostly the same. Everyone has two eyes, a nose, two ears and the rest of the standard fare, just like regular humans. And everyone thinks a little different from each other but it's mostly all the same. Everyone just wants to be happy just like regular humans but they understand that through sharing life with others, life's quality increases twofold for both parties involved. And with everyone being so close to being the same, it seems ridiculous that you would judge or reject someone, it would be like judging or rejecting yourself, (for the most part.)
With a big grin on your face, you told her your name and asked her hers. "I'm Kilu! Do you wanna be friends today?" she asked with excitement, matching your happy grin. She knew you would probably say yes, but she wanted to ask anyway, to be courteous. "Yea, I'm in." you replied.
"Good, I was hoping you'd say that because..." she paused as she crept closer to you, "TAG! You're it!" she exclaimed as she shoved her two hands playfully into your chest, knocking you off balance. She gracefully spun around in the sand and took off full speed in the opposite direction. "Aww man, I'm gonna get you Kilu!" you shouted as you regained your balance and took off after her not far behind, throwing little chunks of sand with your feet as you dug in for more speed. You kept reaching forward nearly tagging her with every push but she would narrowly escape each time in fit of giggles.
After a few more not-so-serious games of Tag and Hide and Seek, the time had absolutely flown by. The sun was now nothing more than an orange slice, as it rested heavily on the horizon of water. It painted the sky a brilliant orange-red, and the ocean jealously tried it's best to reflect the sky painting, but it instead painted its own work of art. A painting that nearly copied the sky but it wiggled and squirmed in anticipation of the sun setting and revealing the stars behind the now darkening orange-red sky.
You and Kilu sat on the beach together, both of you with your knees tucked in your chest and your arms wrapped around your legs. With the sun setting and sky growing darker still, the air and sand were starting to cool off to an almost chilly temperature. She scooted across the sand to get closer and share her warmth with yours. With a sigh, she leaned into you and rested her head on your shoulder. Her hair was thin, soft against your skin, and it tickled your chest and back when she would move her head. You returned her notion of intimacy be resting your head on hers and let your arm loose from your legs and reached around her shoulder to hold her even closer. You could stay like this forever if you had to. You sighed, following after Kilu's example, and you couldn't help but get a whiff of her hair as you breathed back in. It smelled like some sort of exotic citrus fruit that you'd never smelled before; she must've got her shampoo from her side of the infinitely large island. Which reminded you...
"Kilu, why are you here?"
"What do you mean? Do you want me to leave or something...?"
"...Nah, not really. I like hanging out with you, but I'm curious about something I saw today."
"Was it what's inside the Alcove, where I met you earlier today?" It wasn't hard to guess seeing how the Citizens are very empathetic.
"Yea, it was really dark in there, it was really different... well different from the island. It made me wonder why we have the island instead of Nothing, you know?"
"Umm, I guess I never really thought about it too much." She sighed again and turned her eyes skyward. The stars and moon were now quite visible as the sun had retreated quite a while ago. Only a cloud or two obscured her vision from the beautiful nocturnal light show. "I think I get it, it's kind of like 'Why don't we live on the Moon instead of the island?', right?"
"Well sort of, but not really... it's not that important anyway. But seeing the Nothing made me wonder, why am I even here? So I thought if you knew why you were here, I could use your answer to help me figure out why I'm here. But I guess if you don't know either, we'll just have to find out on our own!"
"Oh wow, it sounds like an adventure!" she said with some excitement, but sighed and leaned even closer to remind you that you're more important than the adventure.
You were so glad you found Kilu, (or the other way around, rather.) It was getting boring being all alone and trying to explore the Alcove by yourself would've been scary. Plus her hair smells nice and she plays Tag better than anyone else you know. You were laying on your back with your hand clasped behind your head for a pillow and Kilu was using your chest and shoulder for her pillow. Just as you both got comfortable and ready for sleep Kilu said,
"Will you promise me one thing?" without moving too much, she wanted to be sure you both were still comfy.
"Well you gotta tell me first, I don't wanna make a promise I can't keep." you replied, also staying in the same position.
"Okay... you know how Citizens usually don't hang out for too long, because we usually get bored and move on to another part of the island, to meet other new people?"
"Yea."
"Well, I don't wanna move on, I don't think your boring at all...
I wanna stay here with you forever. And figure out why we're here-- But you gotta promise me that you won't move on or get bored either, okay?"
A tear welled up in each of your eyes. You blinked, letting them loose down your temples and eventually landing on your ears. You didn't know why you were crying. "Yea, sure. I promise." You cleared your throat so she wouldn't notice you were starting to cry a little bit.
"I promise we'll stay together even after we figure out why we're here." You brought your hand down from behind your head and put it on her arm, rubbing it up and down in a gentle soothing motion.
"We'll be together forever, I promise." You blinked and another couple of tears fell down, following the same trail as the ones that came before. You held back a few sniffles that tried to escape. Did Kilu love you? Did you love Kilu back? That must've been why you started crying, your heart was telling you that you did. Was she crying too?
Kilu was almost purring with contentment, wrapped up in your arm. "I'm so happy!" she said quietly but excitedly. She let out another big sigh and brought her hand up to rest on your chest.
"We're gonna be together forever... and don't forget, you promised..." she said as she drifted off to sleep. You looked down and her eyelashes glistened in the moonlight, covered in her own tears. Her heart was telling her that she loved you too! That's why she wants to be with you forever. That's why she's willing to go into the Nothing with you, to find out why we're here. You leaned your head over, and brought your lips to the top of Kilu's head, giving her a gentle kiss goodnight.
You fell asleep too and would've had the best day of your life, but then you had your first nightmare.
I think I'm gonna continue this later. I wasn't gonna go this far with it, but it got fun as I was writing. It felt like I was being th DM for myself in my own little world :)
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| I do not know how I manage to be so consistently ungrateful. It's mind boggling that someone could possibly be surrounded with every kind of good in the world and set it all on fire because it wasn't good enough. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I do this to myself?
I've done some stupid shit in my life, but I really see how this one takes the cake, so to speak. And all I seem to feel is every sort of negativity. It's terrible and horrid. I'm consumed be regret, guilt, grief, more regret, anger, jealousy, agitation, sadness, more regret, more anger, and finally more sadness. In that order on an infinite loop. But then I step outside of myself, and all I can be is pissed off.
I am utterly astounded the world has always been like this. Back in high school, I foresaw a great amount of pain in the future if I let myself be too close to my emotions. I knew it would be bad. I severed my connection so long ago, and I lived really quite happily day to day. No matter how annoying things were, at worst, I only grew impatient. But finally, after enough years of people telling me there was something wrong with me, I decided to let myself open to emotions. I figured, "I'm stronger now, there's not much I can't handle" . But that's the retarded thing about emotions, it doesn't matter how strong you are... they reduce anyone to a sniveling pile of worthlessness. And becoming that pile is the terrible pain I foresaw. There's no character to be built from this. No lessons learned. Other than that I never should've let myself feel anything in the first place.
What pisses me off even more about emotions is that I wouldn't be saying any of this, I wouldn't be going to the tanning bed to try and fix an incurable problem, if things were going my way. This is the first time in my life I've been so disconnected from a backup plan that would keep me safe. The loneliest I've ever been. Makes me regret not being emotional earlier in life when things really were going great. Fucking hell. There's nothing but regret and sadness.
I think the best phrase to capture my feelings is world-weariness. I don't even know how I formed those bonds in the past that grew into the things I loved. I don't know how to start over. I'm too far out on the limb this time. All I feel I can do is hold on to the limb until it inevitably snaps and sends me back to the dust from whence I came. I don't know how much longer the limb's gonna hold out.
And there's just nothing I can do! GAH! Half my problems come from my own inadequacies and the other half come from having standards that are untouchably high. I can attempt to lessen the severity of my inadequacies, but they'll always be there. And how could I possibly lower my standards? How is that ever a good idea? Sure I might feel better, but in the long run, how would I not hate myself even more?
And what the fuck do I even want? Do I wanna feel better now, or do I want things to be better in the long run? And what do either of those even mean? How can I possibly do anything that's gonna make my life better in the long run? There are so many random occurrences and high level influences in my life that I can't possibly pretend to be in control. And when I think that, I just wanna die. I'd rather be dead than not be in control of my life and my happiness. I'm willing to work for that control, I'd do anything for it, but if that control is impossible to reach then there's no point in trying anything anymore.
And after all this runs through my head, in about 30 seconds time... I come down off the depression rush and just wanna lay down. I don't want to move, I get light headed and I can't think straight anymore. I want to tell someone how bad I'm hurting, but I hate people out looking for pity. I don't wanna end up like that. But on the other hand, I do want attention, from someone who genuinely loves me for who I am. Not someone who loves me just because of habit, or genetics, or convenience, or some other condition.
And this is where it gets pathetic. "Well, you gotta do something about that if you want it Luke" I hear everyone say. But that's the thing. I want someone to come find me. I want someone to search for me just as hard as I'm searching for them. I don't wanna control and manipulate the flow of a relationship. That's a terrible thing to do to a person. And even if I did go looking for her myself, how can anyone possibly meet my insanely high standards? Where do I go to find this intelligent attractive girl with a great personality who's still single and would love a guy like me? How could I possibly deserve her if I actually met someone who met those crazy standards? Why even try if I know this is all doomed from the beginning?? Why do I have to live a life where the search for my greatest happiness was doomed before it started? How cruel the world is!!
And then I start sounding Emo, and I fucking hate Emo... I wanna say,"Okay, okay... this is nothing to worry about. There are other WAY more important things to be worried about." But I can't fucking do it. I can't see past this problem until it gets fixed. Every day since I got back from Japan the fire was lit and it's been having fresh fuel poured on it once every few days or so since. It's now gotten out of control. I try so hard to focus on the positive things that've been happening the past few weeks. But I just can't do it. I just don't care about the little positive things right now. None of it matter without someone to share it all with. I'm so empty and deflated without someone.
I feel like a guy standing on top of two shaky columns. When someone is holding the columns for me, I can stand with strength and confidence and impress all those around me with my grand strength. But when I'm alone, the columns shake and quiver. I can hear them crack with every sway. I fall to the tops of the columns and grab onto the sides so I don't fall down. Clutching like a scared baby and inches away from crying like one. I've never had to fall off, not yet. I don't know if I can handle falling off and I don't wanna find out.
And I just don't have anything else to say right now. Just Goddammit All.
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| So Saturday was a bit more positive than the past 3-4 days. I suppose it makes sense, that once thing get crappy enough, it's either gonna get better or I'm just going to adjust to it if it doesn't change, which would still net a positive result.
For the first half the day I went to Texas Roadhouse and to the Wexner and to go see Charlie Wilson's war with Katy.
Roadhouse was standard awesomeness; I like steak.
The Wexner exhibit Funney/Strange has apparently left and when we got there we were blocked off by a huge gate full of darkness, it was quite a sight to behold. But what wasn't closed was the super tiny film exhibit called "The Filthy Riotous Wild West" or something. It was pretty cool. According to the pamphlet, the protagonist/antagonist was a Jenny Lishizu, the iconic lesbian supermodel/motorcycle machinist. She could've fooled me, because she was dressed up as a cowboy and the whole movie was her repeatedly brandishing her gun from it's holster with no music but over exaggerated sound effects. And then she got shot. And every scene was repeated at least three times. It was really artsy.
Then we went to Drexel to watch Charlie Wilson's War which really really surprised me. I don't know what I was expecting, but this movie completely exceeded my expectations. It was funny, it had action, had more comedy, had some political history lessons, had boobies and lots of implied sex. The thing is, the whole movie was smart. It had smart comedy and smart action and smart history lessons and smart nudity. I give it an arbitrary rating of 9, although you could assume that it's out of 10.
Then I scampered off to GFA as fast as possible so as not to be late. At this GFA meeting I was absolutely floored by the amount of awesomeness that can be had in a quick, snappy RP session. "I knew we should've brought a tank!" and "fuck!Fuck!FUCK! *punch in the face--dead*" There was lots of killing to be had. Come to find out, we were killing another crew from one of the Matrix ships. But eh, it's Wushu... the storyline was ours, not theirs.
And then I came home. And everyone's asleep because of messed up sleep schedules, sort of... they're going to bed at somewhere around 7pm-11pm which is hella early.
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| I think it's kinda funny. People tell me that the way I handle emotions is going to eventually turn out to be a bad thing. The way I just hold everything in until I gather enough energy to process it without having many if any outbursts.
I like it though, I like to be in control of myself, and emotions can make it pretty hard. Especially when I'm raging virile male who gets furious at the drop of a hat. People would think I was really really crazy if I didn't "hold it all in".
But at this point in my life, I do it without thinking. I just float through situations, processing, analyzing, and thinking without any severe interruptions. But this past week... I've had some issues. Like weird hard to describe issues. For one, I randomly stayed awake for like 24 hours the other day, on a school day, because I just wouldn't--couldn't get to sleep. Also, I've been following this strange schedule of uselessness where I chill on my computer, go downstairs, watch Futurama or something, come back upstairs, and repeat for a full day.
I tell myself to get up and go outside and go do things in this world. I know I'm going to die one day and I hate wasting these moments of my youth where I'm still capable of doing amazing things. But... I just don't know.
And this is where my theory comes in. I think holding it all in for like the past... 8 years or whatever has started to expose itself after this most recent bundle of emotions was unnaturally processed by my brain-- rather than just yelling it all out, like I "should" have. And this past week it's taken the form of bizarre insomnia and ridiculously high levels of social anxiety and loss of appetite.
Maybe I'll fix it later. 
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